kayfromhome

One of the hardest things I have ever experienced as a Christian is reconciling what it is I want to do, with what it is I know I should do.

There is an internal tug of war that ensues when my will meets the Way. You know. The Right Way. Pages and pages of the annals of my heart are dedicated to this inner struggle.

If I’m being honest, I’d confess that the root of every hardship and heartache I’ve had with God has been the rising of my will against His. Pride and determination, when redeemed, are hallowed persistence. When left unattended and unchallenged, they become my hardheaded, arrogant downfall. Just ask my husband.

“Will” is such a funny thing. Will gives us the freedom to choose for or against the giver of the will itself.

Will gives us the opportunity to love God in a way no other creation ever has. It also gives us chance to hurt God (and one another) in a deep and profound way. Ephesians 4:30, Isaiah 63:10, and Psalm 78:40 all serve as reminders how of how God can be grieved.

When my will, that is, the center of consciousness where I make my decisions, comes up against the opponent of my own desires… I typically buck.

Is there anyone else out there who is sometimes simply ornery for ornery’s sake?

Although, I must say that this year there has been a dampening of my damning behaviors. Reluctantly, I put down the title of “obstinate, headstrong girl.” Maybe it’s admitting defeat, having a headstrong girl of my own, or maybe it’s maturing as a follower of Jesus; the fight just isn’t in me like it used to be.

God’s will feels less oppositional, and more opportunistic than ever before, and submission feels like a reprieve rather than repression.

I haven’t yet worked out the nuances of what it all may mean, but I do know that I’m rather enjoying the absence of resistance.

In true Kayla fashion, my concluding points are lacking. One day, maybe, I’ll learn how to land these planes of thought.

Until next time.