kayfromhome

Have you ever been shamed by being honored?

Not the, “oh-my-gosh-they’re-calling-me-out-in-public-I’m-so-embarrassed” cute kind of shamed.

Rather, the, “oh-my-gosh-if-they-only-knew-who-I-really-was” kind of shamed.

The kind that feels a little like ashamed.

This Sunday I was honored by a very good friend for turning down my dream opportunity at the most amazing, thriving church I have ever known… to come home, to my weary, war battered church in obedience to God.

Oh if they only knew.

If they only knew the anger I felt in my heart for God when I knew for sure He wanted me to come back.

If they only knew the desire to disobey, the fear, the resentment, and the bitterness burning and stirring inside of me as I packed my things to return.

If only they had seen:

• The violent outbursts of tears and the begging for God to change His mind
• The inward struggle to do what was right
• Me for who I really was

If he only knew that just before he had started preaching, the tears that were streaming down my cheeks were not those caused by an emotional time in God’s presence, rather, they were caused by my feeling sorry for myself because I was not where I wanted to be.

If they only knew how quickly I would have turned around and left them all; in the blink of an eye, no looking back if I had another chance. 

I am so evil by nature. You can imagine the shame.  I didn’t deserve it.  I don’t deserve it.

I wonder if that was Jonah’s train of thought.  There is, of course, speculation.  But could it be that he was angry at God?  That he felt betrayed by the one he sought to speak for?  Lived for?  Could it be that his lack of understanding and hatred for the place to which he was called had blinded him to the magnitude, the beauty and the importance of his assignment?

He was an angry pickle of a cry baby, tantrum throwing man wasn’t he?  But he was honored by God to have his name recorded in the Bible.

I suppose Jonah has better things to do in heaven than kick himself for being a little brat while he was on earth.  But I bet if he had the chance to do it over knowing then what he knows now, that he’d do things differently.

True honor is so humbling.  Why?  Because all glory is due to God.  All of it.  Not one whit belongs to man.  

I can be such an idiot sometimes.  Thankfully, can’t we all?  I hope you can relate reader.  And, I hope you got something out of this post because I’m not really sure where I’m going with it at this point.

It’s always good form to end with a practical application or a posed sort of pondering inspiring question, so here goes…

Actually.  I’ve got nothing.

Until next time.